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Juz someone who wants to lead an ordinary life. =)
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memories carved at the back of my brain
Monday, February 15, 2010
feb II...
i don't know why i cant seem to find the sense of peace in myself anymore. is it due to stress from work, fyp or the change in me after my exchange, i can't pinpoint the exact reason.
stress from fyp. frankly speaking who doesn't experience it. i mean. i thought i was coping rather well. like how i used to handle my studies with ease as i have never really feel stressed about them even when i wasnt doing well. the most i was feeling down from my tutor's comments back in jc whereby she doesn't give me good times and memories, but this time it wasn't like that as theres no one to really spark unhappiness in me.
or have i just been thinking too much and having too much time to myself to start entertaining those negative thoughts that i used to just ignore them. or have i turned more pessimistic. or its just this part of me that i don't know about myself.
rarely having the time to be at home other than my usual days of long hours in lab and concussing immediately when i reached home, i tried to really understand what's bothering me that much. but i couldn't. all that i felt was more down and that sinking feeling coming back to me. and me just lying flat on the bed, refusing to do anything but just letting my thoughts run wild. even this cny break didn't really do much except to get me away from work for a while, but i can feel that tinge of guilt from not running my experiments during these period of time.
i am such a workaholic seriously. first one / few to reach lab. last few to leave lab. or rather i can proclaim that i am the only honours student that have been spending as much time in lab as the other graduate students or RAs/RFs, though there arent results to show off about.
wonder if such temperory distractions from work actually did help me to relax more, or feel the sense of urgency more that time is running out for my fyp. this makes me question about my ability to produce results in such timeframes. i thought i could. but i feel like i am losing out the battle soon and soon going to be burnt out and hiding in some corner once probably week10 hits. probably i really need to just pull myself out of this chunk of things to be back as myself and not such a person pretending to be okay but seriously just sick and tired of her life rushing fyp.
and with less people you can interact and talk with in school, it doesnt seem to make things better. and its just me who cant really know and express what i really feel so all i always reply was 'i'm okay and i will be fine so don't worry about it.'
and really i feel like i have been alienating myself from all the other people due to my studies commitment. i only see my family before and after i come back from school. i don't even feel like replying messages these days, even to wish back the other party happy CNY. i have just been keeping things and thoughts to myself, trying to distant from everyone. given that i am an introvert to begin with, this doesn't make things better.
and exchange did make me feel how outcasted i was, how lonely i was, how protective and defensive i was against new environment and new people that i meet though i did learn how to cope with them and shut off my emotions totally. and i am glad i didn't turn to alcohol to really so-called 'make' friends with the other people.
seriously i hope things will get better once i get through all these crap and stress. once in a while i will think of turning to alcohol to numb myself but thankfully i didn't. i avoid alcohol, the depressant, at all cost. hopefully i will turn out okay after week13 and don't get too affected by the sudden emptiness in my daily schedules and it doesn't help when i only have 2 exam papers spaced 1 week apart. looking at it i might just start my vacation research immediately after my exams.
this is such a negative post but i cant really help it. i hate to feel so emo and it start affecting my focus and my mood drastically. any little things can just spark off and affect my mood for the rest of the day. i will really need to learn how to handle them well and not affect anyone else around me.
probably i will need to learn how to cope with negative feelings first by finding back my optimism and focusing on mainly the positive stuff instead of just wallowing in my sinking down feeling. think i will be fine.
hopefully i will turn out stronger and learn how to really understand and handle myself better after such an episode and phase in my life.
a happy cny to everyone =) and today marks the 4th year of me passing my driving =)
10:40 PM
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