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Juz someone who wants to lead an ordinary life. =)
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memories carved at the back of my brain
Monday, June 20, 2005
last wk of hols...
okie last week of holidays is here. its mugging week but yet i have no motivation. die. not even finished any subject. pengs. more mugging to do. i shall stay out of my house and start mugging outside.
feeling so sick and tired of life. its like a routine. sleep mug sleep mug. when is life not a routine. even out of school you start going to work its another routine again. i hate routines. perhaps should find some entertainment during those hated routines to spice up my life. =)
looking forward to the beach outing after JCT with guitar peeps yeah! havent inform them yet but i am so excited about it. and most probably going on my birthday yeah! =) ( since heard fri and sat got guitar prac =X ) woo hoo~ what's got over me when JCT is not over yet lol. at least something to spur me on. =)
i missed my 1st 3 mths. i missed the time when we had fun. i missed the time when i am myself and is so high always. i missed laming with you. i missed talking to you freely. i missed i missed. how i hope time remains at that phrase where i am so happy. what about now? i seemed to become the quiet and unprovokable person in class. i seem to miss out a lot during those class discussions. where is the real me where i can be happy everyday and talk around without any restrictions? i guess its hard to find back the real me with so many things going on and studies being the emphasis of every JC student and keeping so many things to myself.
i am only myself in guitar where i can talk whatever i want and click with everyone. i enjoyed myself so much i relied too much on guitar to give my pillar of support where i can forget my worries and sadness. i found close friends who are willing to lend me their shoulders, listen to my complains and my feelings without feeling uncomfortable. now that guitar is ending, guess life's getting hard on me with everyone so focused on their studies and no one i feel comfortable to talk with and feel high with. its kinda true that i put so much into guitar that i become distant with my classmates. but guitar is a place we share happiness joy sadness anger and understanding each other best without much conferencing. i am only my true self in guitar and that's why i dread the day of the performance on the 6th july which is the last day that we are together as one before we move on with each other's life. though its part and parcel of life and everything has an ending, i guess it will be ages later before i feel so happy once again with such big group of people with my strange character.
you can that i am 2-faced. i do agree with that. its like putting up a mask to step into the classroom every morning trying to act happy and all those but not thoroughly enjoying the company of my classmates. though its not as bad as back to sec4, i am still sick and tired of this. being 'outcasted' and so on. sick of it! though my classmates are all nice people, its just hard to find a correct topic to talk on and frankly, i dun really know them deep enough. guess i need to understand myself first before i get to understand my classmates further.
i do not know what i want. and i realised i havent totally gotten over that incident. its hard to concentrate at times during studies. i noe its just an infactuation and i will get nothing out of it but my heart refuses to understand. its been a long 1.5 yr. i hate it. i hate myself for not able to reason logically about such things but davina i promise you i will think about what you told me and get over this soon. =)
hai i am just sick and tired of life. or perhaps its just a phrase when i feel low and sad and stressed up. hope everything will turn out fine. and i wish everyone good luck for their jct. =)
3:50 PM
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