About Myself
Juz someone who wants to lead an ordinary life. =)

tjc 07/04
rvhs 2j'01
rvhs 4d'03
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mixture of the old and new, near the tokyo tower during the new year period where you can see the stores selling food =)

finally its the last week (or rather 6 days!) that im going to be here after a long and tiring 90 days. daily madness of work, especially during the last month where i had to do a lot of catalytic reactions, working at least 11 hours a day (scientist actually say working >11 hours a day causes higher chance of depression haha). but its a norm here for them to work long here, or rather for certain profs all over the world. though i wish to say long hours does not equal to efficiency, yet their publications are rather quick and they get through projects rather quickly, showing that they do work long hours with efficiency. now you can understand why a lot of high quality publications come from them, and certain amount of respect must be given for that (though i still disagree with the long hours), and to date they have at least 10 nobel laurettes from Japan in Science.

though im not mainly working on my own project due to a lot of problems being met and doing their work, at least part of the burden to come back and rush for the QE in july is gone as they agreed to let me include in my QE report and presentation (with restrictions of course). nevertheless, its already a surprise given that some groups protect their work furiously, or even individuals guard their own "area" and will argue within the group to not cause a so-called "clash" in case they want to do that, as even seen within my own group sadly. this point is still to date something that i cannot rationale out as it slows down work progress and efficiency. collaboration is what we need to learn, even within our own group. theres no point doing an overseas collaboration we do not know its application to our daily work. selfish human nature showing huh. but anyway hopefully i can have enough results to at least get through QE first.

and its probably the 1st time that im quite excited to pack my luggage to go home! though i think it will be excessively overweight given that i've overbought stuff (food) here haha. hopefully i wouldn't have to pay that much for luggage excess! cant wait to reach home on friday! though i'm having a bit of mixed feelings as Japan is a nice place to travel and live in, just minus the work ethnic which was the main reason for my unhappiness here. though you can't speak their language, at least they treat everyone with respect and still try to help you in whatever way you can. best part is you can actually don't lock your main door at night! its quite safe here and you don't have to worry even when going back home at night, where street lamps are distanced further apart here. but still home is where the heart is =) and i've not been sleeping and eating well here since i came, so its finally a relief to get to go back home and rest better =)

yay! looking forward to my flight on friday! as well as my korea trip in april! another marathon again (daegu international marathon) and hopefully it'll be a nice nice to run with good atmosphere! of course, hopefully my timing is within their cutoff time of 1.5h for 10km, even that i've not been running much since i came over! time to catch up on some training! tada~ =)

9:17 PM //

sunset at hakone

its been the 35 days since i've arrived at this place and tomorrow is cny. its yet another year that i'm not in SG to celebrate it, even though this means that i've escaped another time of cleaning the house and my room lol. no matter what, its the time for gathering, for eating, for meeting up and for collecting ang pows. being away at a place is indeed lonely, when you have to work on the days that your family and friends are celebrating without your presence. despite that, its the belief that you are being missed there that keeps you going, and you will sincerely hope that it will be a good new year for them, whereby a new year with a new beginning starts on the lunar calender.

i would say this 90 days is actually much tougher to get by than the previous 7 months in sweden, given the difference in the type of exchange, and the people you are interacting with. working style, working attitude is totally different as compared previously, and definitely the reluctance to put your heart totally to adapt and work hard is greater given the increase in age, whereby we got used to being in the comfort zone. though yes i will sometimes curse my boss for sending me over for this collaboration program where i have to slog and get used to being alone and independent, but it does give me more time to reconsider things carefully, and its beneficial for me in the long run. new techniques, new ties formed, new items that look good for my CV in the future as well as application of skills in my future work to jump ship to other sectors is also much easier. painful, yet beneficial. i guess thats probably what boss really want us to learn, though he may seem like the bad guy, but its beneficial to everyone. though me and wangfei have devised many ways for me to come back earlier, it wouldnt actually work as this will harm ties as well, all because of my selfish and childish thoughts. till then, endurance is the best policy.

its here i finally witness and see myself in the japanese scientific hierarchy system whereby theres not much possible discussion and sharing of ideas and thoughts. its doing what they say and theres no way that you can reject. at here, everything that i do is restricted. its only under instructions that i can perform my experiments else its somewhat 'illegal' and they would be unhappy if they found out. believe it or not, the asst prof actually watch you do the expt and tell u WHAT exactly to do, even as to a simple reflux, like what rbf to use etc. how wonderfully human rights are being observed here. no matter what, i shall comply just to make my life easier, and make time pass by quickly too. and having a language barrier also makes communication harder, which means im mostly alone and don't talk much to anyone other than wangfei. when he's busy that means im mute for the day. nevertheless, its the people in SG that keeps me sane, who talks to me and know that im being missed there, and keeps me looking forward to going back there. and ive made my point abt that to boss who sent me an email to ask hows life here.

let time pass quickly and hit 90 days soon! week 6 of 13 starting tomorrow! sadly theres no mid sem break. haha. happy cny everyone! =)

2:55 PM //

with akeha and her sister!

finally updating a blog post after so long. many things have taken place and its now in the month of december, the last month of the year. when u want time to pass slowly it passes quickly, yet when u want time to pass quickly it pass really slowly. what an irony, though its just perspective from another angle, depending on what your heart yearns for. 3 mths just flew like that. from oct when i changed my fyp to bintan trip in nov to my current attachment in ims in december. how i wish the 90 days will pass by quick, and i can go back to my comfortable zone, with all my love ones around me. only when u lose it you start to miss it.

its yet another time when i have to spend festive seasons overseas. but this time its 2 - christmas and cny again. im okay with spending overseas, though who would want to spend them alone. its a self-discovery to be alone most of the time, and handling thoughs and emotions more thoroughly. should take the chance to travel alone for a while though my parents are against it, with the 6 days of holidays next week. couldnt find cheap flights to go home so gotta stay here. probably planning a far trip alone to tokyo. see how it turns out! at least need to get out for a few days out of this place where work ethic is madness and i cant go back early though i have nothing to do. the only thing i liked about higashi-okazaki its its quietness and also the stars that i can see everyday at night (or rather after 4.30pm everyday). its hard to find a star-filled place other than the time i rmb in sweden where we went to see northern lights. =) sweet =)

but i did had a gd time being brought around by akeha and her sister momiji around osaka area during this 2 days getaway due to the emperor's bday. being in a low state for days since i've arrived this trip did certainly cheered me up a lot, even though its tiring but its fun and i get to interact more with people i know, and stepping out of the room and IMS. its a rare experience to be brought around by a local, especially in a place wheres theres language barrier for me. the most memorable part was being hosted at her place for the night, and her parents treated me very well even though we couldnt understand each other. preparing the bath for me the japanese way, hiding and really relaxing under a kotatsu in her living room. her house is a typical japanese home, located at the countryside of nara. and her mum prepared sukiyaki! cooking and eating at the kotatsu where im being served a lot of beef (which is actually not cheap) which tasted really nice and very heartwarming! the language barrier seems to melt away and i feel so well-received! really memorable! plus they brought me around osaka and kyoto and eating good food makes it one of the memorable travelling experience! =) hopefully the next time when my jap improves i can hold a proper conversation with her parents! =) and bring more food and gifts for them! =)

okay hoping 90 days will pass quickly! tada~

11:28 PM //

currently my desktop pic for my office laptop =) sunset taken at batam!

have totally learnt not to run when you're sick, when i felt totally breathless and lightheadedness during my 10km run yesterday during bay run. was already down with flu / cough since tues and the phlegm seems to block up my windpipe. since already have signed up for the run thought i'll just go for it. not wanting to repeat the history at xiamen where i had to walk most of the way and got a timing like 2.5h, i decided to risk and go for better timing this time round. thankfully i've survived the run and had to go see a doctor today. hopefully pneumonia don't hit me again. the timing was still okay at least within my low expectation of 1:30, but still more to improve on to try and hit the 1:15 mark next time round. not bad to say with my condition i still mananged to hit a 1:21. tempted to do mizuno run next to improve my mark, or perhaps the nike 10km next. just let me recover for now, and let my poor legs rest =) but in general i would say the run was pretty nice and thankfully minimal slopes after doing runnus, the atmosphere of course cant compare with that in xiamen where the supporters literally lined up all the way and cheered everyone on, but still a first proper nation wide 10km run that i took part in. =) hopefully more to come! =) tada~

12:47 PM //

view taken at batam =)

finally end of august, and i'm seeing the end of my admin duties. just sent out one of my few final emails. and a check reviewed that i've actually sent out almost 450 emails within this 3-4 months period. work out the math, average 3 to 4 emails a day including weekends. would say this was a tough period on my workload, and was glad it was over. at least boss was nicer to me towards the end after i let out in an email that i was tired and unhappy from covering the admin stuff and that affected my lab work badly. its good to be trusted by boss, but yet the amount of things that come non-stop from him its too much to handle at times. but at least i've learnt / seen the art of procurement and handling suppliers / sales people, and some finance skill involved as well on grant management. another plus point was this job made me spoke to some of my lab mates whom i normally don't speak to more, and hence somehow improve the communication channel as well (especially from the other side of the office). nevertheless glad the end is here, though i know i wouldnt be totally relieved from this now that i knew too much confidential stuff and still some dangling matters to settle. at least more free i guess.

lectures had been okay, just once per week and its pretty boring but its the last module already! and finally received confirmation that i've passed the written QE taken in june, which is a relief as no one will want to go through the long preparation process again. jap lessons are going to end in 1 month's time where i have to take my E2 test. given my circumstances i wouldnt be able to continue my intermediate course which needs full commitment of 36 lessons. but still had been nice learning some other languages though i am very slow at learning non-science stuff (its true and especially languages), and hopefully it will be useful when i go japan in december, and the travelling after that =) had heard about how workaholic is it over at IMS, not looking forward to it at all but would be good training and experience. imagine 9.30am to 10pm everyday, non-stop from monday to saturday, and no personal PCs in the lab and the provided computers are only for academic purposes. furthermore they don't communicate at all in the lab. only work work and more work, plus group meeting twice a week where progress report are required weekly, this is madness. i shouldnt complain about my biweekly report then..

and PE are finally over, with my first chance of voting! quick and rapid process i was back home within 5 mins (including my walking time to the school downstairs). wouldn't comment on the results or whom i've voted, but hopefully the divide will heal and the sour sentiments will eventually decrease over time.

and batam trip had been very nice and relaxing. cable ski was tiring and after 1 whole day me and val still couldnt stand up on the board (sigh). but its a nice experience. at least we went on the kneeboard for few rounds. and we came back with all total aches everywhere and anywhere which took almost a week to recover. but having to soak in the nice resort and jacuzzi after that was a very nice experience, cum the very nice hotel room! much more relaxing than tioman, given we were really just there to relax like watching dvd in the room at night and having fun in the pool. cant wait for the next one again =)

gotta start on new sets of readings for a totally new topic for my work, which i'll need to work even harder to churn out stuff for QE next year as well as for my attachment. at least let me move on from here and hopefully i'll start afresh new on a clean slate, leaving my old self of lack of confidence and motivation behind.

and did runnus last week which was my first offical proper full run. the 11km of slopes was tough but glad i managed to finish, despite the rather slow timing. had a bad start and the run after that didn't go so well. but at least its a good experience. hopefully i'll take a shorter time to finish the bay run next sunday and have a better run! =)

till next time then! =)

4:33 PM //

its the month of august again. would say time flies. exactly a year ago i've began on my long journey of graduate studies, where it have been very bumpy but i'm glad to have support from everyone around me. its still nevertheless bumpy with many hurdles to cross (as what val says) but at least i'm content, just getting pass day to day.

everyone asked me why i would do my phd, and what i'll do after that. initially, the idea was that i'm just too tired or not bothered to find a job outside and if i get stipends from studying, its as if i'm being paid to study so why not. furthermore, my parents' idea was for both of us to get the highest possible educational qualification, as there are indeed many bachelors and masters degree around and hence they supported my idea of doing a phd, despite the risk of overqualification in many jobs. my retreat route was to downgrade to masters, in the case i cannot cope with this life anymore. but looking at it, the retreat route is rather bleak, as looking at it, my parents are now trying to get my bro to do his phd, so its inevitable i'll be on this path once again. furthermore, i've chosen this route, and hence its necessary that i'll fulfil it, to the best that i can. hopefully the tears of suffering will eventually convert to tears of joy, upon wearing of the green robe and the cute fluffy hat, after crossing the many hurdles of oral QE, attachment, long lab hours and finally oral defense.

frankly speaking, i've never been feeling much sense of joy and satisfaction ever since i've completed my degree. from the stint of a part-time RA to conversion to a phd student, i'm feeling exhausted and lost everyday. furthermore with the covering of lab admin duties, i feel that im being split into many parts, unable to really focus on any of the single things. thats why jacks of all trades will never thrive. with all the minor little things that im in charge and what boss throw to me, i had enough. can you imagine every min every hour i'm just so tied down by thoughts of work, even when i'm suppose to be resting on weekends and on leave, when the emails just come in as and when they want. even on saturdays, i've have to make urgent arrangements, and waiting for his 'wonderful' replies. i'm not an LO, and why i'm being arrowed to do all these rubbish when others just have to concentrate on rushing lab work.

furthermore with the introduction of biweekly report, its not a good news for me, as i'll need to churn out what, 4 to 5 experiments per 2 weeks just to fill up the 5 slides? the inertia and the reluctance is so high to just get me in looking at my own stuff, which im currently being stuck totally. no sense of satisfaction, no sense of joy, no sense of feeling that i myself have some worth. dropping out is a very tempting path to take, to relieve me of all these crap. to add on i still have that freaking manuscript to edit with tight schedule, i wonder how am i going to come out of these alive, and to really enjoy my trips with all this things bogging my mind. thats the sad life of a phd student huh. just that im probably unlucky with so many arrows coming my way, with the new batch of students coming in and boss throwing me into every single matter ever possible. grrr.. cant wait for SW to be back soon, to at least clear half of my current burden. im getting breathless of all these things, totally.

but at least, the tioman trip was pretty fun with the lab people. 3 singaporeans, 3 chinese and 1 japanese, a very diverse group i would say. but its quite fun minus off the long bus and ferry journey cum all the jams that we had. get to see the fun side of everyone, from playing of volleyball, walking along the beaches and going snorkelling! furthermore we were trapped in the middle of the sea in the middle of the night in the middle of the storm, that we cant forget in the long while, when the taxi ferry just ran out out of petrol and a storm is approaching. plus its a good excuse to escape from the poster competition and the inspection haha (it wasnt meant to but it all happened on the same day), but at least the beach was nice to just stare and relax for a while. =) being close to mother nature is just so relaxing, and we can see its wonderful creation when you get to see the fishes swimming past through quickly (minus the seasick that i had =( ) and the beautiful corals at the seabed! sadly should have gotten an underwater camera, but the memories of it suffices. check out the photos on my fb then =)

glad to enjoy the 07 korean bbq on sat with 10 people squeezing 1 pit, and wavehouse at sentosa on sunday was fun! minus the severe aching that i'm having now. looking forward to cable ski at batam this coming weekend. and of course, meeting the guitar peeps as well =)

okay gotta get back to work, my sad life. till next time then! happy national day! =)

1:17 PM //

prof hor's birthday dinner! credits to sandy =)

its finally the "holidays", or rather after all the hustle for the written qualifying exam and group meeting presentation finally a break from the books. though the lab work has just started and its taking a toll on me with the biweekly reports that prof hor wants and the endless lab admin duties that i have to cover, which totally made me exhausted and working beyond 6pm everyday, reaching home just to bathe and concuss and the cycle repeats again.

the monotonous daily schedule just makes me want to hide in the office/home rather than to be catching up with others as by then i'll be too exhausted and it won't feel nice to just appear when my brain is like totally death or falling asleep anytime. a rather cut off from the social world i'll say, with minimal conversations with my family as well, especially when my bro just started work and the whole family now basically sleeps even before i reach home. though i know this can't stay long, but still i guess this will at least continue on for some time until i've gotten enough results and data to show boss and getting through my oral QE and report next year. so pardon me if i start missing from everyone's life, but i just need that solo-ness or closing up due to the extra stress, work and tiredness.

will be looking forward to my break to tioman in the few weeks time and the batam trip to cable ski which we just booked yesteday =) hopefully it'll be a good recharge for me to get away for a while especially from the endless lab admin and i'm basically haunted by everyone regarding work stuff.

and for a while i lost interest in running after a bad form at some run. hopefully it gets better and i'll do okay for my 10km SBR in september. "expectations" huh...

and my stupid nokia phone died on my again. time to jump ship to other brands the next time i'm changing my phone!

probably my birthday wish for this year is just to get through everything smoothly and nicely after going through so many rough patches so far and for everyone to be happy =)

till next time then!

2:15 PM //